My grandma always taught me that it was bad luck to ignore a raven or crow. You always acknowledge their presence and smile. Be nice. They’re tricksters, and the last thing anyone needs to do is annoy a bird that can make your life hell.
I always acknowledged them for fear of my grandma finding out from the birds that I had walked right past one on my way to school. She always found out, she had made friends with the birds so they confided in her whenever someone had annoyed them.
When my grandma past away last year I stopped paying attention to the birds; not because I wanted to spite them, simply because the fear associated with not acknowledging them was gone.
Now, I know what you’re thinking; “Oh boy, this is going to be one of those weird stories where the bird talks, she learns her lesson, and becomes friends with the birds just like her grandma was. Great.” I can assure you this isn’t that type of story. No animals talk to me, no lessons are learned, and I’m not any closer with the birds now than I ever was before hand.
Instead, this is a different type of story. It’s the story of how my grandma, always a trickster, has been following me around for a month and I’m starting to get really annoyed.
Yes, you read that correctly. My dead grandma has been following me around for a month and I am getting annoyed. Let me give you a copy of her itinerary:
6:00 am: Allows the crows to slam small birds they can grab and fling into my window until I get out of bed.
9:00 am: Encourage the crows to shit on the entirety of the driver side of my windshield making it impossible for me to drive to work.
12:00 pm (coffee break): Give the crows shiny things they can fly with and encourage them to catch the light and shine it directly into my eyes so that I cannot enjoy anything without being blinded.
4:30 pm: Make the crows swoop at me as I run towards my shit covered car (again).
6:30 pm: Assign 5 crows to sit on my window sill and watch me eat dinner, regardless everything else going on outside. (I even aimed a sprinkler at my window and they just moved every time it came back around)
8:30 – 10:00 pm: Fill my backyard with crows until I can’t see the ground, and then lead them in some sort of choir practice so loud I can’t hear the TV.
So yes, my dead grandma is having the time of her ex-life making mine a living hell. It’s like every bird that I didn’t acknowledge between birth and now, has come back and decided to join in.
I’ve never been one to believe in omens, but let me tell you I’m starting to change my mind. Crows are mischievous, signal death, and my least favourite (I know, not the death thing, what a shock hey?) is the connection some people think they have with the underworld as messengers.
That last one is the reason I think my grandma is the one behind all of this, she wasn’t the best person and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s where she ended up at the end of the day. The underworld seems like a fitting place for someone getting her entertainment by pissing off her granddaughter.
I haven’t learned my lesson though, I told you this isn’t that type of story. In my defense, she’s not making it very easy for me to fix this. I don’t know about you, but I have never wanted to say something nice to a bird after it shit on my car or sang over Bachelor in Paradise for a few hours.
I can’t outsmart the birds, believe me I’ve tried. The crows just find ways around whatever I’m doing. For example; I turned on my subtitles, that way I could at least try to follow along with the shows right? Wrong. You know that light thing I talked about that happens during my coffee break? Perhaps you don’t remember, that is okay. You should remember this; picture yourself in middle school and the really annoying guy in the class has decided to be even more annoying than usual so he takes his phone/watch/mirror, and tries to reflect the light coming from the sun, directly into your eyes. Well, these birds will take said light and said shiny object and aim it directly at the subtitles of the TV. I went to bed after they started doing that one. The sun was still up but no one has time to deal with that.
I am working on a new plan. My grandma is going to lose all of her little army: I’ve hired an exterminator. They’re coming by tomorrow to set everything up, starting with some nice spikes on my window sills so that they can’t watch me eat dinner.
Now I know what you’re thinking; if you think this is your grandma trying to torture you, why don’t you just apologize and move on?
I’m glad you asked that. You see, I’m petty and stubborn and so is she. This is going to be a never ending cycle of hell for both of us….
Oh god. This is going to be a never ending cycle of hell for both of us. I can’t make a dead woman living in hell feel like she’s in hell because she’s already in hell. I have to be the bigger person here. Damit. I guess I’m learning a lesson after all. “Don’t fight with a dead person.” Maybe I should go to the park and apologize, she’s not going to accept me saying I’m sorry without being able to make the birds swoop at me some more.
On May 23rd, 2018, Leslie Anne Cooper joined our angels too soon. After going for out a walk to the park, Leslie was hit by a bus crossing the street. The driver claimed to be unable to see thanks to a bright light obstructing his vision regardless of where he moved his head. By the time he noticed her, it was too late. We keep Leslie safe in our hearts and remember she is with her late grandmother now, truly in a better place. A sale will be held on the 26th for all of Leslie’s belongings not being claimed by her surviving family. Thank you for your prayers.
Leslie Anne Cooper
1992 – 2018
Forever in our hearts; may she fly her way to freedom
*Side note, Leslie was in fact correct about the connection crows have as messengers from the underworld and that her grandma was trying to entertain herself. What she failed to recognize is messengers often have other jobs, and these ones were simply trying to remind her to look both ways before she crossed the street unless she wanted to join her grandma and become victim to their omen of early death. However, she refused to acknowledge them politely no matter what they tried and missed their warnings entirely.*
For the lovely Deanne Mansfield who has always made sure I acknowledge the crows in my daily life.
