Drowning in the Dark

I was drowning in the dark. Yet unlike the darkness that you were afraid of as a little girl; this darkness was all consuming and self-inflicted. I was afraid to dance in the light so I hide in the shadows. I needed the dark. Needed the shadows clinging to the walls to consume me from the inside out so the darkness took me. Pulled me deeper than the surface level shadows along the wall and into a place where I couldn’t see my hand when I held it right in front of my face. It was drowning me; I panicked. I ran kicking and screaming trying to free myself but only running deeper instead. That’s the terrifying part of darkness. When it’s dark you have no idea which way is out. And I had trapped myself here.

I saw flashes of the light; sometimes by people as they passed through on the way to better things, sometimes by things that shone a light until they slowly died and became one with my all consuming reality.

I wanted out more than anything. I dreamed of my own personal moonbeam shining through the cracks and guiding me out to rejoin the rest of the world; yet, I was stuck here with the monsters and noises that kept me awake in the dead of what I assumed to be night. I was pushed around every once and awhile just to make sure that I was still capable of doing something other than sleeping and walking around blindly, not knowing how to gather my bearings.

I died in the dark. Maybe not in the most physical sense of death, but every part of who I was before died there. Everything but my name, I had given that up before they even asked me what it was; they were not, could not, get my last tie to sanity. They could not have all of me. Despite how they reached into my soul, how the darkness robbed me of every hiding spot and place where I could be truly alone, it wasn’t allowed to have all of me.

By this point you might be beginning to wonder if I got out, and if not, how are you reading this? Well my new friends, I’m simply here. Unnamed and powerless. I have given up on trying to get out, this is my self accepted home now. As for how you are reading this? You see, you are becoming one with the darkness too. I see you hiding in the shadows now, afraid to step out and dance in the light. But I urge you to embrace your fears and confront them before you lose sight of who you are in the first place and begin to find fears in what used to be your comforts. Because by the time you fear what used to be comfortable, it is too late for you to do much of anything.


“In the dark you have no idea which way is up.”

The inspiration for this piece came from a play that we went to go see during creative writing. The line above is one that I pulled from the play as it really stuck with me and summed up the tone of the play really well. It was directed by one of my best friends and was fantastically carried out by all parties. The play was called Nine and from it I was able to pull out some really cool themes with the light and dark as well as some of the feelings of entrapment.

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Better Than That

Your judgement must be off

my darling

anyone wanting to

give their heart to me

clearly isn’t thinking straight.

 

I am a mess

of imperfections,

grace,

lack of trust.

For myself

and in others

 

My darling,

you don’t want to give

your heart to me.

I will use you in ways

you can’t imagine.

Hurt you in ways

you can’t imagine.

 

Your heart is beautiful.

I don’t want to tarnish it

by holding it with my grimy hands

leaving marks

you’re unable to remove

 

You deserve someone

who can give you more.

Someone who can fix your heart in ways

I never could.

Someone who can love you in ways

I never could.

 

I know you’re blinded with

emotions,

you think are attached to me

but I promise they will fade,

diminish.

 

You’ll find someone else

more beautiful

more graceful

more agreeable.

 

My darling

you’re not the problem.

I promise.

I have too many faults

you’d learn to love,

slowly learn to hate.

I don’t need to watch someone else

fall out of love with me again.

 

Worse than that

I will make you believe

you are ugly.

Made of nothing more

than a mass of skin and bones

a worthless soul.

 

You see I’ve done it to myself

I make myself feel broken,

so I don’t have to try and be whole

because I don’t have my life together.

I am not full of beauty

and grace.

 

Your judgement is off

that’s the only explanation.

Your soul wouldn’t survive a trip

through my hands,

 

I wreck everything I touch

maybe you haven’t noticed

the destruction I have left behind,

 

you deserve

better than that.

 

This poem was inspired by one of my friends who thinks she’s going to hurt everyone she talks to in the long run. I do identify with certain parts of it, however, this is very much an over exaggerated version of what one of her concerns is. I think the ideas behind it are something people can connect to, that idea of never being good enough for someone you feel deserves more, while also being scared of hurting that person with all of your own issues and insecurities. Personally, I really relate to that idea. I constantly switch between two moods, “I’m-amazing-and-you-should-love-me-forever.” and “There’s-no-way-I’m-good-enough-for-you.” Because of this I’m left in a weird limbo between the two and how that translates to interacting with others. I’m deeply afraid of bringing others down to my mood when I’m having a bad day. I don’t want to kill someone else’s mood just because mine’s not the best, because of that fear I’m convinced that I make others feel like less than themselves when they’re done talking with me. I’m slowly learning that this isn’t the case, but it’s taking some time so in the mean time I’ll just continue trying to be a good friend/ safe person for others. 

 

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Dear…

Dear Death:

I was going to tell you to leave me alone forever, but I know all that’s going to do is hurt your feelings. I was going to tell you to leave me and my loved ones alone till we are old and cynical, but I know all that’s going to do is mess with your tight schedule. I don’t want you around, I’m not going to lie and tell you I do. Me and life get along better when you aren’t close to us. Death, you have the power to cause havoc everywhere you go. I know you didn’t ask for it, you just got the short straw when names were being drawn, and tasks being assigned. Of course this doesn’t mean I forgive you for everything you have done to me and life. However, it means I understand you are constantly trying to ruin the friendship I have with life so there’s more room for you. Our connection is definitely there, and it always will be, but for now, I need a break. You’re hard to deal with most of the time, and I never seem happy when you hang around. I promise when you come to meet me, on the day I have been scheduled in, I will not turn you away or fight you. Instead I promise to welcome you and follow you wherever you intend to take me.

Love, Tiana


 

Dear Time:

You seem to slip through my life way too quickly. I’m sorry I don’t ever seem to appreciate you until you have moved on. I’m sorry I don’t notice you when I’m having fun, but when life gets boring, you become my favourite companion to pay attention to. But most of all, I’m sorry for how much I hate you sometimes. How you seem to eat away at the things I call mine, working closely with death to take away things and people in my life forever. You are the most beautiful destroyer, but you are also the most beautiful healer. Time, you help with my wounds, not in the magical-now-their-gone type of way. Instead, you help make them less prominent. You help me get over grief and grudges, simply by giving me your company and letting me work through it on my own, you will stay as long as I need you to. So yes, I might hate you sometimes, but I promise, you will always be important to me, even when me and life are having fun and I seem to forget about you, I promise I’ll always be checking on you every once and awhile.

Love, Tiana


 

Dear Life:

You and I are the best of friends. I was a forced relationship at first, I don’t know about you but I didn’t really have a say in if we were going to be friends or not. But look at us now. I’m grateful this relationship has blossomed to what it is today. Believe it or not, I have decided to forgive death and time for trying to poke holes in our friendship. I know it’s a hard thing for you to do, especially when they seem to take away many of your other close friends, I think you should try and forgive them too. I’m sorry for the times i told you I didn’t want to pursue this relationship any longer, it was selfish and I wasn’t considering how you would feel. I know you’ll forgive me, I’m just a little scared for the day you stop trying to keep this friendship alive and it fizzles out. You mean a lot to me, thank you for all of the memory’s you have helped me make and all the things you have helped me do, I will truly treasure them forever.

Love, Tiana

 

 

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