Your judgement must be off
my darling
anyone wanting to
give their heart to me
clearly isn’t thinking straight.
I am a mess
of imperfections,
grace,
lack of trust.
For myself
and in others
My darling,
you don’t want to give
your heart to me.
I will use you in ways
you can’t imagine.
Hurt you in ways
you can’t imagine.
Your heart is beautiful.
I don’t want to tarnish it
by holding it with my grimy hands
leaving marks
you’re unable to remove
You deserve someone
who can give you more.
Someone who can fix your heart in ways
I never could.
Someone who can love you in ways
I never could.
I know you’re blinded with
emotions,
you think are attached to me
but I promise they will fade,
diminish.
You’ll find someone else
more beautiful
more graceful
more agreeable.
My darling
you’re not the problem.
I promise.
I have too many faults
you’d learn to love,
slowly learn to hate.
I don’t need to watch someone else
fall out of love with me again.
Worse than that
I will make you believe
you are ugly.
Made of nothing more
than a mass of skin and bones
a worthless soul.
You see I’ve done it to myself
I make myself feel broken,
so I don’t have to try and be whole
because I don’t have my life together.
I am not full of beauty
and grace.
Your judgement is off
that’s the only explanation.
Your soul wouldn’t survive a trip
through my hands,
I wreck everything I touch
maybe you haven’t noticed
the destruction I have left behind,
you deserve
better than that.
This poem was inspired by one of my friends who thinks she’s going to hurt everyone she talks to in the long run. I do identify with certain parts of it, however, this is very much an over exaggerated version of what one of her concerns is. I think the ideas behind it are something people can connect to, that idea of never being good enough for someone you feel deserves more, while also being scared of hurting that person with all of your own issues and insecurities. Personally, I really relate to that idea. I constantly switch between two moods, “I’m-amazing-and-you-should-love-me-forever.” and “There’s-no-way-I’m-good-enough-for-you.” Because of this I’m left in a weird limbo between the two and how that translates to interacting with others. I’m deeply afraid of bringing others down to my mood when I’m having a bad day. I don’t want to kill someone else’s mood just because mine’s not the best, because of that fear I’m convinced that I make others feel like less than themselves when they’re done talking with me. I’m slowly learning that this isn’t the case, but it’s taking some time so in the mean time I’ll just continue trying to be a good friend/ safe person for others.
Image: https://68.media.tumblr.com/dd1738ac1ecbdc944234009a8f780823/tumblr_o2d0v4ZJL21u0ccv7o1_500.gif
